Ring Leaders Belong at the Circus
Last time we talked about how the right place for praise, so today we take the high wire over to the other side of supporting your kids talent; controlling their performance.
One of the telltale signs that a kid has a stage parent is that constant look back to their parents to see if they did something right.. or wrong. It makes me so sad when I see it. I didn’t have a stage mom. But as a traveling 4 year old in a family trio with my sisters, I had a ‘heavy handed’ father who would usher us out of the van into sound check with his thumb firmly in one of our necks, back in the van, back out for performance, etc. And he kept an eye on us every second of it. One of my earliest memories was thinking of myself as a caged monkey with a mean zookeeper. I never want my kids to think of performing that way.
You see it in that nervous smile from the stage that whispers, “I hope they didn’t think that note was off” or “I can’t believe I forgot to (x, y, and z)”. Whether it’s over-directing the rehearsal, endless fussing with stage clothes or leading your kid around to meet all of the ‘important’ people every spare moment you have, when your kid spends more time worrying about what you think of how they behave or perform than they do enjoying what they do, they will never truly be able to enjoy the gift they have and the hard work they’ve put into it.
I know, you have to prepare, you have to practice and your kid needs your help. All true and valid. Sometimes it’s not a far slide from supportive and energetic into a little controlling and manic. I’ve had to pull myself back from that edge a time or two myself. So what do you do if your support is turning into a three ring circus act?
The best way to stop (or never start) over directing your kid is to know they’re in good hands, besides yours. Do your research and find qualified instructors. Ask to meet them with your kid and see if they get along. Your kids won’t absorb much even from a very talented teacher that scares or bores them to death. You have to be impressed with the teacher, but your kid has to like them.
Once you’ve got instructors that you trust, let them do their job. That means if you have a question about how they should sing a certain part, or move during the instrumental, you ask the instructor. Then you DO what they suggest. Even if that means biting your lip so hard you don’t want to talk anymore.
One sure way to stress out your kid is to keep listing the things they need to change or improve on. So even if your tips come straight from their instructors and your heart filled with love, gage when and where to mention them. Let them know you’ll give them input once they’ve run through the song two or three times or make a list of things that comes to mind while they rehearse (limit it to 1 item for every 3 years of age) and leave it with them to go over on their own. The next time they rehearse ask if you can sit in. Then make sure you balance out correction with specific things they did well. They more ownership and pride your kid takes of their practice and performance, the more motivated they’ll be to grow and take more creative risks.
When you can provide the support to see what your kid does with their own talent, you will both have front row seats to your own greatest show on earth.
